I was never really a great person, but there is a lot about me, and I am just using this as a means to change myself and sort through some of my past.
Everyday I do not see my daughter, I think of her. I am evoked to tears by a handful of songs three in particular: “Unsteady – X Ambassador”; “Stubborn Love – The Lumineers” and “Mess is Mine – Vance Joy.” Every time I hear one of these songs, I think about my past and how I must use my body as a stepping stool for my daughter. It makes me think of an Article I read “Father’s Last Embrace Saved 3-Year-Old Daughter In Building Collapse.” I just want to fight harder for her, so that she does not have the life I had.
I grew up in a loving family, but we were torn a part for reasons beyond me. My mother and I lived on the streets of the city until we made it into a homeless shelter. And that is kind of how I grew up, scrounging around with my mom. I was a quiet boy, and there wasn’t really much to me, and I would always be at my mom’s side and everything she said to me was a means of survival. If I made a mistake, it would have been a detriment to both of our existences. Most of my memories of those times are faint, but the emotions are engrained in my head, the painful hunger, the fear, the loneliness, the shame. I couldn’t help it, and my mom had too much hubris to seek help–and for my daughter, I fear, I may have that flaw as well. I grew up with a handful of items that I cherished, but those too were stolen, faded away or simply broke.
The worse of my feelings were hunger, I remember being so hungry during school, I could not focus on anything but suppressing the pain just for another moment just for another day until I could have a morsel of food.
Things got better when we lived in the shelter. I do not remember being as hungry, and my mom got the support she needed to get off of the streets, get a job and get us into a home.
That Is something I cannot let my daughter live in the pain of not having the basic tools to survive in this world.
I want to give her everything. I have to give her everything whether it crushes my body, she cannot have the life I endured. I have to keep my heart resilient and My hopes high, and strive for her. For her to live.