Where I am Now

I got into a relationship with my college professor.

My life has been a roller coaster of chaos and fury and where I am now is something I have to find out. At first, I was escaping poverty and a series of consequences from poor high school decisions. I went to a local junior college and I was determined to make a change in my life for the better. Everyday I would read the poems “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley and “If-” by Rudyard Kipling in an attempt to model my personality and enforce my will with the endurance to study and overcome the daily hunger from being incapable of purchasing an adequate amount of food to make and bring to school.

During these years, I made ceaseless strides to achieve what I perceived to be greatness–my grades were high standing and I was volunteering to help the community and aiding in the rescue and care taking of animals. At this point I took interest in one of my college professors. I told her about my history and the struggles I endured, and she told me about hers. I felt a unity, an undeniable unity with her: our story was unique and we struggled to build a foundation to a collapsing and burning life. I did my best in school and got into one of the top 10 colleges in the nation.

Although she resisted, I insisted: I was an adult and age did not matter, I was capable of more and I have overcame a lot. I would wait for her to pursue a relationship, and I did, and we made a relationship happen. But quickly, I poisoned the well, because I was financial inept and I would remove myself from aspects of the relationship. This was the start of our aggressive fighting, and my will was quickly slaughtered, my grades dropped and I lost my position at my university. We fought persistently and relentlessly, exhausting us both, and with her age pressing on her and the desire to start a family, we started developing the relationship until the fighting began to cease.

I got a new job and then I started going back to school. One night, I was returning home from work, which was an hour drive, and she excitedly tells me how she has missed her period and how she was trying to deduce the possibilities. She tells me she wants to see the stick at the same time as me, and when she presents it to me, it was positive. She was pregnant. It happened during one of our delightful excursions we deduced together…

Months had passed and our relationship collapsed, and I tried my best to support it with my flesh and body, but it crushed me.I took a couple of months of maternity leave when our baby was born.  We emotionally drifted from each other, and I stayed aiding as best as I could in taking care of our daughter but we can removed the notion of the relationship.

I left her place recently and she took full custody of our baby. I am trying to gather the pieces and rediscover myself and the world.

Since then, I hardly see my daughter as I would like, but that is to be expected, I must remind myself to stay persistent and be present in her life. She deserves the world and I must maintain the strength to support it on my shoulders. It is difficult for me to be in relationships; however, I have found someone who has accepted me and all of my flaws.

Then I cheated on her, I told her and apologized, and she left me. I have never cheated on anyone before and I despise the fact that my ex did so, yet I have sullied myself. And this is where I am now. A bit in the middle of nowhere.

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